Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Most Random Compliment Ever

It usually seems to me like guys have it pretty easy; they can be ready to go anywhere in 15 minutes or less and they never have to wear pantyhose. But one thing that I would never envy a guy for is having to talk to girls. Especially bitchy girls who turn around and make fun of them on the Internet for trying to chat them up.

A few weeks ago a guy was talking to me in a bar and it was really all I could do not to laugh right in his face, bless his heart. (I read in a book once that southern women can say incredibly insulting things about people, even right to their faces, and it's OK as as long as they add "bless your/his/her heart" at the end. Of course the book was written by a southern woman who said a lot of insulting things about people.)

To start with, the guy had to be at least 15 years older than me, and seeing as how I'm no spring chicken, he was definitely old enough to know better. This is pure speculation on my part, but I'm betting there is more than one ex-wife in his life. Anyway, I had noticed him much earlier in the evening, but not for any positive reasons. He obviously didn't have a problem being the center of attention. I had gone unnoticed by him until I stood up to change seats after some people left our table, at which point I hear a very loud, "Hey, girl!" which I did a most excellent job of ignoring. Point of note for any gentleman readers: women do not like to be yelled at in bars (or anywhere really). If you meet a girl that likes being called down in this fashion, she is NOT, I repeat NOT a girl you actually want talking to you.

Thinking the crisis has been averted I continue to enjoy the band and talking with my friends when the empty seat next to me is suddenly very much occupied. The guy, let's call him Bill*, introduces himself by kissing my hand which makes it very hard for me not to spew wine out my nose from laughing. Now, I should mention that I am 100% in favor of chivalry and charming gestures including but not limited to the hand kiss, but the guy is buzzed, has been acting a fool most of the evening, and already yelled at me from across the room, so any notion that this is a genuinely chivalrous and charming individual is already out the window.

Bill, staying true to the playbook, offers to buy me a drink which I politely decline much to his chagrin. He proceeds to tell me how he was in marketing for years but got tired of working for "the man" so he became a handyman. He tells me how he's always loved fixing things because he's "good with his hands." When he says "good with his hands" he does the head nod in combination with an eyebrow raise implying the double entendre. Second point of note for any gentleman readers: no woman is going to let you put your hands on her based solely on your own admission that you are "good with your hands" no matter how much head nodding and eyebrow raising accompany the phrase.

So poor Bill is up to bat and the count is 0-2 and the pitcher has just thrown him a curve ball. Translation, my friend has assessed this situation and announced we are leaving because we have to get up early for work the next day (not true on my part as I am still unemployed). So in a last ditch effort to win my fickle affections, Bill decides to pay me a compliment. A simple "you're pretty" was too plebeian for Bill, he--wisely--avoided commenting on my ample bosom, no, he went lower in the anatomy to pay homage to my beauty by saying..."you have the most photogenic knees I have ever seen." Seriously, I'm not making this up, "photogenic knees." I have spent a great deal of my life in shorts and skirts, and no one has ever said squat about my knees. In fact, my knees are the worst things going on south of my hemline, but according to Bill they were beautiful enough to be captured on film for the enjoyment of future generations. This brings me to my third and final point of note for any gentleman readers: when paying a compliment to a woman it is best to stick to the classics like "amazing eyes," "beautiful smile," or my personal favorite "really cute dimples." There are lots of times when innovation is appreciated, but when paying a compliment to a girl you just met and would like to know better, it's best to use proven methods so she doesn't spew wine out of her nose laughing at you, say "bless your heart," and run home to write about the whole incident on the Internet.

*All names have been changed for the protection of the inept.